TOO MUCH INFORMATION by John Sakars on Monday,
January 4, 2010 at 1:13pm
“…I once delivered a speech at my local Toastmasters Club (a public speaking club with chapters worldwide) with the intention of encouraging people to be honest with themselves about their relationships with non-human animals. Then, I dropped… my bomb on the audience: I told them about the time when I was thirteen years old and had encouraged a cat to lick pancake syrup off my penis.
GENTLEMEN PREFER CUM RAGS
by John Sakars on Monday, January 4, 2010 at 1:15pm
“I enjoy cumming, and cumming into a vagina feels better than cumming into a cum rag. However, I prefer cumming into cum rags, rather than cumming into vaginas, because cumming into cum rags is safe. Well, usually it’s safe. One time, I accidentally left my cum rag in the living room and my roommate found it. It was an old T-shirt and it was near retirement age because it was about 80% crusty. Well, my roommate thought she’d do me a favour and so she washed the semen-encrusted T-shirt for me. I came home from work the next day and saw that my cum rag had been washed and folded for me! I try to be an honest person and so I told my roommate that the T-shirt had been covered with semen. She was absolutely disgusted with me. She has since recovered and we laugh about this incident now. But at the time, she was not very pleased with me.”
FUR CUM RAG AT 14 / FUR DEMO AT 39
by John Sakars on Monday, January 4, 2010 at 1:18pm
“Then one day, I was trying to think of soft things to rub on my penis. I had previously used an old pair of my mom’s pantyhose for the purposes of masturbation (I assure you that I used the calf section of the pantyhose. I stayed far away from the crotch, foot and thigh sections). So, when I desired something new to rub on my penis, I thought to myself, “Hmm. Mom’s pantyhose were nice and soft on my penis. I’ll bet that fake fur coat that she never wears would feel incredible on my penis too!”
So one day, when my parents weren’t home, I snuck my mom’s fake fur coat out of her closet and I rubbed it on my penis. The fake fur felt very soft. I also felt especially naughty during this masturbation session, due to the fact that if I had been caught, I would have been in very big trouble.
I pulled out before I ejaculated to avoid shooting a load of semen all over the coat. I also washed the pre-cum off the coat before I hung it back up in the closet. However, I’m glad to say that I felt guilty afterwards about masturbating with my mom’s coat. I know there are some males who spray semen wherever they damn well please, without remorse. Fortunately, I’m not one of those guys. I must admit that I engaged in two more masturbation sessions with the fake fur coat. But after the third session, I finally decided that fur (fake or not fake) had no more place in my sex life.”
MY MOST BEAUTIFUL SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
by John Sakars on Monday, January 4, 2010 at 6:20pm
“Then one day, I was very bored with masturbating in the traditional way. For some reason, I got the idea in my head that I wanted to experience what it must be like, to experience sex as a woman. I don’t remember exactly what I used for a “penis”, but it was some kind of metal bar with a rounded end on it.
I lay down on the floor and brought my knees up towards my head. I lubed up the bar and slid it into my “vagina” (anus). Then I just used my imagination. I pretended that I was a woman getting fucked. I closed my eyes and made soft little moaning sounds, just like a woman. This got me excited and my penis became erect. I really wanted to start stroking my penis, so I did. However, I also wanted to keep pretending to be a woman getting fucked, so I did that too.
I switched back and forth, imagining I was a man fucking a woman as I stroked my penis, and then imagining I was a woman getting fucked by a man as I slid the bar in my butt. I switched my focus back and forth, faster and faster, until finally, I was both people at the same time! I was a man fucking a woman, at the exact same moment that I was a woman getting fucked by a man! I felt like I was fucking myself! You know how people will say, “Go fuck yourself!” Well, I really was fucking myself! My inner girlfriend and my inner boyfriend were having sex with each other! My yin and my yang were in the missionary position, making beautiful love together! I started crying, the experience was so beautiful!”
WHY I ATE A PIECE OF MY SHIT
by John Sakars on Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 5:29pm
“When she was a little girl, her friends had an initiation for her to complete. She had to eat a piece of shit. I won’t go into detail, because that’s not my story to tell. However, I realized that the Cave Beast simply had to eat his own shit!
I remembered how I had eaten grass so I could properly write about eating grass. I realized that I would now have to eat my own shit, before I could accurately describe the act of eating feces. So, I ate my shit. I only ate a small piece, about the size of a plum tomato. But by doing so, I gained a great deal of insight into feces eating. I was able to be very descriptive when I wrote about the Cave Beast eating his bowel movement.”
Masturbation in the Workplace
by John Sakars on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 at 6:17pm
One day when I was 16, my boss had to leave early, so she asked me to lock up. As soon as she left, I immediately felt like doing something naughty. I didn’t want to steal anything or snoop around. In fact, all I wanted to do was have an orgasm. The idea of masturbating in the same place where my sexy coworkers had been standing, excited me. Even though I was a carnist, I had no desire to stick my penis into a chicken corpse. So instead, I looked at the condiment section to see what turned me on. Honey mustard sauce seemed like the sexiest condiment we had, so I grabbed a little package of this sauce. I didn’t learn until years later that honey is actually bee vomit (bee vomit that we have no right to use, because we have no right to steal anything from bees or any other beings). So, having no idea of the origin of the sauce in my hand, I happily spread bee vomit all over my penis. I stood behind the counter beside the French fry station and masturbated. Fantasizing about my sexy coworkers, I quickly achieved orgasm. I immediately felt like a degenerate as I wiped the semen and bee vomit off the floor. However, I was unable to take back what I’d done, so I just cleaned up and went home.
Another time I masturbated at work, was when I worked on a boat. I won’t say what boat I was working on, but I will say that there was a waterfall or two in the vicinity and the occasional corpse floating down the river. Sometimes, while riding down the river on a boat with hundreds of tourists wearing transparent rain coats, I’d see a woman who was sexually stimulating. Sometimes I’d just take a mental picture of the woman and masturbate when I got home. Other times, I just couldn’t wait. So, I’d take care of my business in the bathroom on the boat.”
Why I Love Child Molesters
by John Sakars on Tuesday, June 1, 2010 at 12:44pm
“Maybe one day, I’ll slip on a banana peel and wake up wanting to molest children. Anything is possible.
The reason why I’m saying that I love child molesters, is because I’m hoping to inspire you to be unconditional with your love. I feel that there’s entirely too much hate in this world, and not enough love. People who have molested children have a history of being reviled by society, and so I thought child molesters would be a fine group of people on which to practice feeling love. OK, so pause for a moment, and practice feeling love for child molesters.
Now, I’m against name calling, and so I apologize for referring to people as “child molesters”. These are just people who have engaged in inappropriate behaviour with one or more children, and I’m not suggesting they are any more evil than anyone else. I understand why the very words “child molester” can disgust people.”
Everything You Never Wanted to Know About My Pubic Hair
by John Sakars on Thursday, July 8, 2010 at 7:47am
“First, I’ll tell you about a pubic hair story that involved a bit of pain. One time, I tried to use a rubber band as a cock ring. I doubled up the rubber band and masturbated. After I ejaculated, I tried to remove the rubber band, but it had got tangled up in my pubic hair. I frantically tried to untangle the rubber band, as I feared I was on the verge of causing damage to Mr. Friendly. Finally, I just tore the rubber band away from the base of my penis along with a considerable amount of pubic hair. Fortunately, my penis quickly stopped being purple. I sighed with relief.
Now, I’ll tell you about a time when I wanted to use my pubic hair to make art… I shaved all the hair off my body and stuffed it into a cracker box. Then I waited for all the hair to grow back, and I shaved my whole body again. I didn’t keep track of how long it took for all my body hair to grow back, but I think I shaved myself about every three months. I decided I would keep shaving my body until I had five years worth of hair. I shaved myself a total of three times before my cracker box was about a third full.
I also began dating a woman shortly after this speaking engagement. She seemed quite unimpressed with my cracker box full of body hair, and so I threw the hair away. She also thought I looked more manly when I had some body hair.
I’ve trimmed my pubic hair several times in my life, but on this day, something miraculous happened. I was trimming the hair on the underside of my penis near the base, and the trimmer bit me! The skin was loose and wrinkly in this area, and it got sucked up inside the trimmer. It was only a small cut, but there was a piece of skin hanging by a thread. Now this may disturb you, but I immediately realized that I wanted to eat this shred of skin. I wouldn’t be able to stick my whole penis into my mouth, but at least I’d be able to put a tiny piece of my penis into my mouth. So, I did. I ripped off the shred of skin, put it into my mouth, and swallowed. I felt a bit naughty, but I didn’t feel like a cannibal or anything.”
Facebook Status Updates
by John Sakars on Friday, June 25,
2010 at 4:24pm January 2010 to June 2010
“Something funny happened, but I don’t know if it’s too much information. Well, the last three times I sat on the toilet, I forgot that there’s no toilet paper. So, I squatted around the house until I found something to wipe with. The last time, I used a retired cum rag that had been in the garbage. Some dried semen probably came in contact with my anus. Is that too much information or is that funny?”
“If I die, I want my organs donated. However, I’m also open to the idea of being eaten. I’d rather you eat my sexy, vegan ass, than eat a tortured non-human animal. By the way, if I’m in intensive care, I want vegan vagina juice dabbed onto my lips. I don’t care if this juice comes from a 90-year-old woman. All vegan women are sexy.”
“I’m thirty-nine years old, and my penis still fascinates me. I think that says a lot.”
john sakars turns out to be a total disgrace and a divisive force on the animal liberation movement. he’s a blind apologist using the animal holocaust as a stage for his personal/comical ego boosting. fuck him for stepping to the front lines and then abusing the attention by posting this sick, demented shit, fuck him for discrediting all of our combined efforts, fuck him for spreading this apologist attitude, fuck him for making the animal holocaust look like a laughing matter and fuck him for telling me to love hunters and child molesters.
i want to apologize, not to any of you who i might have offended but to the animals who were too busy screaming and dying while i was sitting in my safe, warm home laughing at “shit meat eaters say”.
i wonder why no one has gone and made a “shit john sakars says” video, there is clearly more than enough material to make all of us look bad.